masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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