I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
