when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
