the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
