If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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