Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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