we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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