nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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