The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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