the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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