He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
