I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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