Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
