I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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