Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
