Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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