Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
