Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
