Already got asked if we're dating
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
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You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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