No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
