Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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