My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
