I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
