No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
