I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
