glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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