My sheets look like a crime scene.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
