Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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