I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
