"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
