i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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