Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
