my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
