Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
