i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Randomize
