I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
