im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
