Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
