I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
