Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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