Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize