I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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