Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you will always have a special place in my vag
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
