I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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