I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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