youre lurking in front of me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
