i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
