Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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