Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I made him laugh his dick is mine
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
