I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
