it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
