Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
